My view sitting on my cheap couch, which took me over 7 months to pay for, I can see…
My legs: with about three weeks hair growth, not being able to afford a razor and have the soft and moisturised look that I want.
My feet: sticking out in front of me, with the same purple nail polish I have had for two months that is now chipped, showing my bad habit of picking my toe nails and my hairy toes.
TV: Baby Mama playing, needing something to keep my mind off the abyss that I am trying to crawl out of.
Kittens: Always a lover of cats, I have three foster kittens who I have had since they were three weeks of age, very feral but now extremely sweet fluff balls. Trying not to think about having to return them for adoption in three days time.
Glass door: which leads to the balcony with my dying vegetable garden, looking over the courtyard to the other grey courtyards and dying vegetable gardens. Can’t say the hipsters aren’t trying.
There’s an amazing sunset outside, the air is still and calm, I should be outside in the cities semi fresh air, enjoying the last of the light and I want to. I know that if I sit outside without the TV disrupting my train of thought, my mind will focus on how much of a failure I feel and add the extra stress of trying to live.
For the past 5 days I have begun my first novel, Supernatural Freaks, I am half way through the first chapter and realising how hard this is actually going to be. I thought that if I had a concept it would flow, I know this is what I am suppose to do with my life, but it is so much harder than I thought it would. I thought I’d be writing a chapter a day, but HA! Who am I kidding? Of course its going to be hard work, nothing ever comes easy to me. Will something go right?
I left my management job, about 9 months ago, to work for a company in an area that I have wanted to my whole life. But it is definitely not fulfilling, the people I work with are great but it is such a stressful environment. I want to be my own boss, I want to work alone; I don’t want to let anyone down except for myself.
I am in a relationship, just over a year now. We moved super fast and I love him, but our relationship is based on friendship; there is no passion; though there is love and appreciation for each other. I am not sure where it will go, though I know if we do not end up spending a good proportion of our lives together, we will always be there for each other.
I am living in an apartment, which my dad owns. We pay him rent. Even with a discounted price, and two incomes, I am finding it extremely hard to live. I make horrible money at my current job. I am paying for a veterinary nursing qualification, which I thought I wanted to do for the past ten years, but now that it’s happening I have realised that I never thought I was good enough for anything else. Not that I’m saying that its not a great career choice, it is just not what is going to fulfil my life. I am paying off a loan, which I originally applied for to pay for the two credit cards I have. I paid off the credit cards and kept them, and maxed them out again within 6 months, who knows what on. My boyfriend does pay for things, but I want it to be equal, and he may be able to keep up with living…but I am struggling…greatly.
One of my best friends has been living on our fold out couch for the past 4 weeks, he is expected to stay in Melbourne for the next two months, to get work and fund his trip to Mexico. He has not offered to help pay for rent, bills or the food he eats. He does buy his own food but seems to always wait til after I cook for myself, and my boyfriend to eat. Being my best friend I know I should offer some of the meal I’ve cooked and I do, but I rely on the left overs for a second meal the next day. He has not told me if he is expected to stay at mine until he leaves to go overseas, and I don’t know how to bring up the conversation with him to ask. If he is a good person he should just offer, right? Instead of making me feel extremely awkward and ask him?
Being an adult is hard; adolescence really finishes at the age of 23. Ask anybody!
I am 26 now;
It’s hard to make up for the bad decisions I made in the past.
I’m not coping.