I just woke up; I slept for about 10 hours and have woken up extremely groggy and angry. My head feeling like it weighs a hundred tonnes, cats tried to cuddle me but didn’t want them touching me, boyfriend tried to cuddle me, same again didn’t want him touching me. Sometimes I do realise that I can be a horrible person, and yes I am fighting my own darkness…but all I really want today is to read my book and do some writing in a quiet and clean apartment, instead I will be cleaning for the next two hours, waiting for the boyfriend to wake up so I can clean the bedroom and vacuum the floors….and probably clean his car for him because he’ll be to hung over to do it himself.
One of the other things that I feel like is bothering, but is making me more question myself, rather than making me feel upset is should I have more friends? Should I want to have friends? I look at social media and see posts of people out with their friends, and being tagged at this place or that place. Being 26 I still think I should want this. But I don’t.
Working is enough human contact for me. Afterwards I just want to go home and spend it in silence. People are shit, and so much meaningless words come out of their mouths, I can look at someone and hear them speak for ten seconds and know almost everything about their characteristics. I won’t judge them from what I know, I always give them at least three chances but most of them don’t make it past that. I’ll put up with them and try and become friends with them, but there’s always this invisible barrier and I never am able to make friends with anyone even if I try. I’ve never really had close friends. I was the invisible friend in high school, and sometimes I am still now. The one you go to tell all your problems to but never ask about their problems, the one with all the advice and solutions but you don’t give advice or solutions too.
But I’m ok with this. I can see the light and know where to find it. And it’s definitely not with people.
Sometimes I wish that the world could of remained silent, why did we have to learn to speak? Speaking is overrated and seems to be the key problem to everything. Anger and rage coming from the words spoken by others in which when heard causes distress and the equal amount of anger and rage to the listener.
Why can’t the world be silent?